OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
