just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
