Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
