420 ftw
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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