Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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