the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
