Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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