if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
