Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
