Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
