to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
