I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
