A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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