i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
