nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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