i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
