i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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