Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They took my balls.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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