I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
