So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
