I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
