goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
