my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
