The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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