My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
