Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
