You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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