i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
