I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dear god my vagina.
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