My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
