My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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