The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
