thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
