Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
