did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
