i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i think i just lost a toe
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
