Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
