Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
