My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
