Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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