I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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