my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
