I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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