It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
