It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
