Cold hands, warm shart.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
