you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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