So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's blow job season.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
