Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just pee around me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
