I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
